Dispatch #30: Things I Do Not Care About Anymore Because I Am An Old Woman

You're reading Dispatches from East McJesus. Living in East Machias, Maine, can be a bit lonely, so I write to save my sanity. The mission may not succeed, but let’s try to enjoy it.

I have a minor obsession with this Instagram lady. Her natural personality is extroverted and exuberant, but her most recent comedy videos are narrated in a flat, deadpan-serious manner that cracks me up. She came up with the idea to crowdsource and then list off all of the things menopausal women no longer care about, and she is the founder of the We Do Not Care Club (WDNCC). You can see the club’s name on the napkin she wears like a bib. I think she’s masterful in the way she presents herself in her videos — hair a mess, hats askew, multiple pairs of glasses tucked into shirt pockets or perched on her head, just whatever she feels like doing because SHE DOES NOT CARE. The comment sections of her videos fill up with all kinds of stuff, from the profound to the picayune, that older women have Marie Kondo-d. Ladies: If something doesn’t spark joy, let it goooo!

Here is a list of things big and small that I, a post-menopausal woman, do not care about:

1) IDNCA lists of clothes young people say I am too old to wear. I probably don’t wear them because they’re uncomfortable, but I could if I wanted to, and I would if they had elastic waistbands.

2) IDNCA lists of hairstyles young people say I am too old to wear. Clearly IDNC. I mean, look at me.

3) IDNCA being labeled a Boomer, venomously. I used to resent the unfairness of it, but then I realized that one day, the word “Millennial” will be spat out at Millennials by disdainful Gen Alphas. Karma comes for all of us, eventually. 🙌

4) IDNCA being “feminine.” I couldn’t care less about the traditional or stereotypical traits associated with being female. Most of them were created by men, for the benefit of men, and enforced by men. Nope.

5) IDNCA wearing makeup. My face is on its own journey now. Don’t interrupt it.

6) IDNCA looking young. That ship has sailed, and at the time, I gave it a little push with my foot. Bye ship.

7) IDNCA staying thin. At this age, I’m just trying to stay sane, hydrated, and out of the ER — “thin” didn’t make the top 3.

8) IDNCA cooking. I’m happy to keep buying ingredients, but I don’t want to combine them anymore.

9) IDNCA groupthink. I will not adopt any prescribed set of political ideologies. I will hold eclectic views from across the spectrum of human thought, exactly as I see fit.

10) IDNCA attracting the male gaze. I’m happily married, but more to the point, have you noticed what most men are like these days?

11) IDNCA apologizing for everything I say, especially for pointing out reality. Notice I did not apologize for #10, which will enrage the #notallmen club, and I. D. N. F. C.

12) IDNCA remembering to smile. My RBF is epic at this point and I’m finally proud of it. It should be immortalized. Maybe a Baroque-style marble bust of my visage could be put on display in Rome next to Bernini’s Medusa?