Dispatch #26: Ten Things I Feel Like Screaming into Besides the Void and the Abyss

You're reading Dispatches from East McJesus. Living in East Machias, Maine, can be a bit lonely, so I write to save my sanity. The mission may not succeed, but let’s try to enjoy it.

Gotta keep it short today because I’ve got a lot of screaming to do:

1) My pillow, which is a classic choice, and super convenient as well as fluffy. We’ve been through a lot together lately.

2) The Grand Canyon. Pro: that dramatic echo (“Is he dead yet. . .yet. . .yet?”) Con: I’d have to fly out there, and the only air traffic controllers left are white men.

3) Gardner Lake. I do it underwater all the time and it’s so cathartic. Also, the fish care about my mental health, unlike RFK Jr.

4) A soundproof room. Practical, but expensive and hard to find. Hopefully it will be closer than the nearest abortion clinic.

5) My Jeep with the windows up. Mobile therapy sessions are great for when you’re on the go, especially when you see Trump signs and flags that have been up since 2015.

6) An empty Rao’s spaghetti sauce jar. I could capture my screams for later analysis and maybe I’ll discover why Canada is suddenly our enemy.

7) A karaoke mic, like the one I used once at Deacon Giles Distillery in Salem to sing some Carly Simon. Some of my readers were there and know exactly what I’m talking about, unfortunately.

8) The woods. Mother Nature can take it and she feels the same way. Maybe she even knows what’s wrong with Cheryl Hines.

9) A wind tunnel. The instant distortion effect on cuss words would be so satisfying. FuuuCk yOuuuUu Eeeeelon mUUUUskkkk

10) The hose on my new SEBO vacuum cleaner. It’s experimental, but why not? I’ll report back.